I’ve decided to start a new blog to share my personal journey and experiences at…
Victoria Jane, do you know how much I love you? We say it in passing; it’s a bit of a formality really. But do you feel it? You know, do you feel loved and cherished and all warm inside in my presence? Well, you should, because I do. I know you love me too.
This one’s just for you.
I apologise for all the times we fought and never said sorry;
I apologise for always bruising easy and snitching on you when we fought;
I’m sorry that I am a know-it-all who usually happens to be right (at least I admit it!);
I’m sorry for smearing Vaseline in your bed and hair mousse on your toast when I was about 8;
I’m sorry we never got on, but glad we can now;
I’m sorry I have taken mum from you; you deserve her time and attention too;
I’m sorry I have made you feel pushed out, and forgotten about;
I’m sorry that I can be miserable and unwelcoming; forgive me, but that’s the toll the pain and fatigue take on me physically and mentally;
I’m sorry I can’t be a proper sister to you, but I’m grateful for the effort you put into being one to me;
I’m sorry dad isn’t the dad you want him to be;
I’m sorry I have taken so much from you, I’d give it all back if I could, but I can’t;
And I’m sorry for all the times you feel hurt, sad, lonely, lost and forgotten; I never meant for it to turn out this way. I’d give you the earth if I could;
Don’t ever think that you’re forgotten, or unwelcome, or feel pushed out. I may not welcome you with open arms, but I welcome your presence and the normality you bring into my life. I’m glad I am the sick one, because I honestly don’t think I could cope if it were the other way around. My greatest wish is that you would be happy, and living the life you want. You are out living your life as you should be, for which I am very glad. I love you and I’d give nothing more than to be out there with you. You’d have taken me out clothes shopping, clubbing and probably bought me my first drink. We’d now be enjoying nights out, partying and doing sisterly things. I feel sorry for mum that she used to have to play referee between us 24/7. Remember: “muuuum she’s looking out my window!” And the Vaseline/hair mousse incident. I wasted a whole tub of Vaseline that day!
I know I no longer have a relationship with dad; not that I had one anyway. He’ll never be the dad we want him to be, and I can’t cope with the comments and the digs and his woe-is-me all the time. I don’t have the energy and I can’t spare the (wasted) time being angry or upset over it. It saddens me that he always lets you down. All the promises he’s made that have never come good; the money he spends on his new wife and her children that we will never get; the love he could give but chooses not to. It’s not fair. Can you understand now why I don’t have a relationship with him? I know, when he dies I may feel guilty, but I’ll have to deal with that as and when; if I’m still alive then. I just cannot live my life with that dragging me down. I feel ‘free’ without that weight, it was trapping me before.
In life, there is nothing as important as family, and we must stick together. Love is unconditional, so when I am not as welcoming as I should be, don’t feel like I don’t love you or don’t want you to be with me; take it as a compliment, as I feel I can be my true self with you, I don’t have to pretend to be all happy when in fact half the time I feel like crying.
So, when I say I love you, always know I truly do. I’m proud to be your sister.